I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just want nice things and good sex
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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