a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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