so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
