If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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