You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
