the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
