shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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