If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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