I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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