In the future we'll all be gay
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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