is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
