you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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