I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
