Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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