Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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