Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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