I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
