remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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