Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
