At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
