A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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