so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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