this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
