Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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