Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
