I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
