I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
