i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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