I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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