You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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