He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
