i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
