Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
