Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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