For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
