I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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