I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
