fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
