you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
