This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
