He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
