I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
