WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
