I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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