You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
