Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
