you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
