Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
