so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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