woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
