So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
