Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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