That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
