I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
