i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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