I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
