Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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