He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
